By the time you finish reading this post, I hope that you're convinced beyond any doubt that listening is the single best thing you can do to strengthen any relationship. This is because simply believing in the power of this underrated skill can change the way you interact with others forever.
As a disclaimer, this post is not a "how to" guide on being an effective listener. There are already plenty of materials out there to help you become a better listener if you want to learn how. Unfortunately, many people don't really care to learn how. People may invest years of their lives learning how to read, write, and speak better, but how many ever get any significant training in listening? The truth is: not that many - and those who do generally only have a few hours worth under their belts.
But even without formal training, people can become better listeners with a little practice. It's not enough, however, to only passively "hear" others when they speak. Listening involves a conscious effort to focus on the speaker and process the words they are saying. It means blocking out all distractions and aligning the mind with the speaker's thoughts. The great thing is that anybody can do this as long as they can think.
But listening is more than a psychological act. Listening is also the result of a choice to give your time to another person. And this is a pretty big deal. After all, of all the things we have in life, time is the only thing that we can never get back once it is gone. Most of us never really know how much time we have left before we die. All we know is that it is a finite amount and that it is decreasing in every passing moment.
So when we make the choice to listen - really listen - to someone else, we are saying that they are important enough for our fleeting time. And this implies that their words are meaningful to us in that moment and that no one else is more important. This, in turn, validates the speaker on a real human level. We show that they and their thoughts matter, regardless of whether or not we understand or agree with them. We also show a sincere attempt to connect and a desire for reciprocation if we speak.
So the next time you talk on the phone with a friend, go out on a date, or find yourself watching a panel of experts on some cable news show, consider how your choice to listen is a gift of time - and whether or not the relationship is worth strengthening.
Dariusz Mikulski, Ph.D.
Lead Research Scientist